Help yourself, Help your child.

At the age of 9 I lost my Dad. I never felt or experienced the pain of that till I was High School far from home. I was constantly surrounded by other kids who had beautiful things to share about their fathers, but mine was no more. I got to a state of depression, I had all sorts of thoughts, maybe I should just die was a though that lingered on my head everyday, but I told myself I would stay strong. I faked it but it worked for me. I lost focus especially in Grade 11, I was surprised I passed. My major problem was that I never wanted my Mom to know that I am not okay. I did not want her to think that she is not doing enough, because she was. I just wanted my father to be alive as well. It has been a difficult journey, but that was my childhood problem. I just had to tell myself I need to readjust and own my problem or life challenge because it was my situation and it was never going to change, I just had to live with it. I ended up accepting my reality, little did I know that adulting would be more challenging than my childhood problem. It has been a journey of all sorts of pain. 

I know people don’t care about such stories or anyone’s problems for that matter, but maybe there is someone who is parenting a child or children alone where the partner died and is now left with the responsibility to raise kids. My opinion based on my experience would be: talk to your children about your partner, let them tell you how they feel about their new life without the other parent. How does it make them feel when others are sharing stories of a complete family. Try not to avoid the topic, it is likely that they want to talk, but they don’t want to cause you pain. Listen to them and if you see they are suffering, take them to Therapy.

These are the struggles people face, children grow up to be clueless adults, because of issues that happened in their childhood. I am not justifying wrongs, but the root of a person’s problem may be deeper than the need for us to use our ever ready Red Pens (Judgement) to mark all the mistakes. This is life. It happens and it happens to all of us. The unfortunate thing about it is that we all face these uninvited troubles and in our society, mental health problems of any sort seem to be taboo, we fear opening up, because we don’t want people to think that we do not have it all together. We are good at keeping the solid front while we die silently within.

I am not yet dead though I feel like it, I have not put on the emergency lights, let me rather say I am parked. I just nee to think. My life has been a comedy of sorrows. So worry not, but let us work on helping ourselves, that is a full time job.

I remain your girl Promise Sanqela, I know there are some people who can relate to this story. Let me hear your experiences, opinions and how you redeemed or plan to redeem the situation in your respective households.

I Am A Woman

So weak, so vulnerable and yet so strong and so courageous. I am a woman. I carry a lot in my heart in my mind and on my shoulders. See I carry the responsibility of raising my kids teaching them how to pray “Our Father Who Art in Heaven”. I teach them how to recite Psalm 23. I teach them how to relate to elders. I also carry my responsibility of praying for my husband. Yes, I pray for my family day and night. I never stop praying for my husband even though he has stopped loving me after a single night that I did not perform to his expectation. I wonder…. because he does not have courage to tell me what I did not do right when we last played, yet I pray for him. I do not count against him all the days he got tired before I was satisfied and could not cuddle, but slept off when I needed him the most.

It is 30 years I have been with him. I have endured so much beatings, both physical and emotional, shouting and embarrassment; but I kept on hoping that things will get back to normal even though I knew deep down in my heart that he had stopped loving me. Every time I think of causing him pain; I pity him so much because I remember that a woman gave birth to him (I am also a woman) and tried to raise a man even though he allowed the world to raise him. I can’t hurt him because I love him.

Yes, I carry a lot of burdens in my heart. I desire the warmth of his love. I am a woman. I know I am so weak and vulnerable so weak. I cry every night, I do what I am best at, I cry, my pillow soak in my tears, no one to cuddle me. I wake up in the morning wash my face, dress up and raise my head as though nothing has happened. I look at my kids and wonder what kind of a woman will I be if I give up. I hurt a lot but I cannot give up. I cannot give up love, although after 30 years I decide to leave my matrimonial home. I walk out and leave my heart there. When I enter another house, I have memories of my first home because that is where I took my time learn and understand what being a woman truly meant. I look at my life as a big joke, I begin to laugh at myself especially when I consider the fact that as a woman from time to time I want to be so weak and vulnerable and allow a man to have power over me to show his machoism over me leaves me speechless, breathless and almost cripple. Yes, I am an emotional being I am a woman, you will never understand me. Now listen, there is nothing much expected from you. Just avail yourself to hug, to cuddle and to embrace, it wipes away all wrongs.

Love isn’t an easy thing to find, because what we had was something special, something that cannot easily be thrown away. I have then decided to calm down and not take everything personal to overlook some and see where that leads me. The fact that you never share what is going on in your heart is what gives me a slow and painful death. I am not an angel that I am sure of.

As I conclude all I can say is that I am weak and vulnerable, give me your attention. I love you…

I remain your girl Promise Sanqela, I know there are some people who can relate to this story. Let me hear your experiences, opinions and how your redeemed the situation in your respective households.